August 14, 2018

How To Get Over Past Hurts in a Relationship and Move On – [10+ Essential Tips & Strategies Revealed Inside]

How To Get Over Past Hurts in a Relationship
# 1. Follow the below healing plan

A history of betrayal does not dictate your destiny.

I understand firsthand the magnitude of betrayal. I have experienced hardcore profound betrayal over and over again in my life. The last and harshest betrayal was the abandonment of my husband in 2009. I call this period in my life “my tsunami”.

All that I had known and found security in was gone in one massive wave.

My three children and I were soon to be homeless and having given up my 19 year hair clientele to stay home with my children, I had no quick means of income. I was petrified, frozen, anxiety ridden and depressed. I could not see how I would ever recover from this pain and fear.

The thought of ever trusting another man was out of the question.

I realized how low I was by the thoughts I was thinking. Anytime I passed a man on the street I would think: And what have YOU done to your wife, a**hole! And when I passed a young male I would think: Yeah, you’re just going to grow up to be a selfish a**hole like the rest of them!

Yikes! I had become very dark and I recognized I needed to get myself right or (a.) I would not be able to lead my children out of this pit (b.) I would become a bitter old lady and (c.) I would never attract a healthy relationship.

I had to get radically honest with myself about what really happened and find a way to heal.

Below is the short version of how my healing path went.

1. Take it to God – Any problem bigger than we are belongs in the hands of a power greater than we are. I began to pray, meditate & contemplate. I opened my heart and my eyes to new perspectives. I found peace so I could navigate my life effectively.

2. Forgive – I forgave my ex-husband. I understood that it was his darkness and ego that led his path, not my worthiness. It was not my job to handle him; it was God’s. I released the toxic tie binding me to his betrayal.

3. Take radical responsibility – I found the places inside myself that allowed and ignored the red flags. I was gentle with myself as I owned each disempowered piece that was mine.

4. Forgive yourself – It’s very important to understand that you were making choices from a certain level of self-worth at the time and what he did is not a reflection of your worth. You did the best you could. You human, fallible and forgivable!

5. Restore your faith in good men – When I recognized I saw every man as evil, I knew I had to heal that limiting belief or I would attract just that. I asked God to show me good men and immediately I was bearing witness to loving, respectful men caring for their women.I allowed my faith to be restored so that I could align my energy toward what I wanted instead of what I didn’t want.

6. Clean up your self-worth – We attract people to us who value us equally to how we value ourselves. All our actions in life are in direct proportion to our self-worth. Period. It’s imperative to do the work to understand, own and live your self-worth to its fullest capacity.

7. Date with eyes wide open – Practicing the above is only the precursor to practicing it in our lives. Know that no one will save or complete you except yourself.Design a list of an ideal partner’s attributes and a list of absolutely nots! Date consciously, not recklessly.

8. Empower yourself daily – Form a daily habit of inspiration and empowerment work. Stay on top of your studies. Continue to grow and evolve. Heal your wounds and cultivate your courage!

For more on how I healed my self-worth to attract the relationship of my dreams, please visit my website and click on the My Book tab.

Kristen Brown, Author & Certified Empowerment Coach –

# 2. Follow the 6 steps below

It’s a sad fact that at some point in her life, just about every woman experiences the pain of a broken heart after important romantic relationship ends.

Devastating feelings of pain and sadness are a common response when a relationship has ended. As a matter of fact, psychological research has found that the powerful feelings we suffer when a love relationship has ended are similar to the emotional reactions we feel after more traumatic experiences such as the death of a loved one or the diagnosis of a life-threatening illness.

There is no doubt that having your heart broken is a painful experience and during these times of suffering, you may wonder if you will ever feel better, if you will ever love again.

These feelings of hurt that you are experiencing after a breakup are actually three separate feelings combined and they consist of:


You’ve just been discarded and deceived by someone you loved and whom you thought loved you, too. How dare he do this to you! How could he do this to you? And you trusted him! If you could, you would just like to get your hands on him and really make him hurt as much as he has hurt you!


You begin to believe that your lover left you because he saw all of your faults and imperfections. If only you were a better person, maybe he wouldn’t have left you. You tell yourself that because he has rejected you, no one else will probably want you either. You worry that you will end up all alone and lonely.


You tell yourself that this shouldn’t have happened. This is completely undeserved and he is reprehensible – a real scoundrel, a louse! You’re certain that this pain you’re feeling is not only unjustified, but that it is more than you can possibly stand.

There is an old saying that states “time heals all wounds” and that is true in most cases.

Given time, you will probably begin to feel a little better and your broken heart will eventually begin to heal. But what if there were steps you could take to speed up the healing process?

By changing your thoughts from misery-inducing ones to thoughts that are realistic but less painful, you can begin to feel better sooner so you can begin to move on and pursue a life of happiness and fulfillment.

Consider the following steps:

Step 1: Make the decision to move on.

Although it wasn’t your choice to end the relationship, it is your responsibility to make a commitment to yourself that you want to get over these feelings of hurt.

Stop listening to sad songs and stop looking at pictures and mementos of your time together. You don’t need any extra help to add fuel to the breakup fire. Instead, make the choice to determinedly refuse to continue to be in this much pain.

Step 2: Stop beating yourself up.

Breakups happen. Because your relationship ended, it doesn’t somehow indicate that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Of course you have your flaws, we all do, and when people get close to us, they begin to see our flaws and weaknesses.

Our flaws are what make us human and there is no way any human being on this earth can be without flaws. Make the decision to practice self-compassion and offer forgiveness to yourself for the mistakes you made in the relationship.

Step 3: Stop vilifying your ex.

Just like you, your former lover is a flawed human being. Even though he has left you, he is probably not an entirely horrific, dreadful person even though he may have done some truly rotten things. It doesn’t help you to ruminate about the terrible things he did to you.

All it does is make you miserable and bitter while at the same time, your ex-lover may be out enjoying himself and having a perfectly wonderful day.

Step 4: Let go of the relationship completely.

Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that’s keeping you from moving on. So unfriend him from your Facebook, delete him from your Instagram, stop sending him texts , and remove him from your phone’s contact list.

Don’t fall into the “let’s stay friends” trap. Staying in each other’s lives when you are hurting this much is going to make it nearly impossible to move on.

Step 5: Set goals and work towards making them happen.

Focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past. Make an effort to get involved in activities that you find satisfying and rewarding.

Go to the gym, meet an effort to meet new people, concentrate on your career, take up a new hobby, go out and volunteer. Working on yourself during this time is a great thing and will do wonders to make you feel better about yourself.

Step 6: Meet with a counselor.

Consider making an appointment with a counselor to process the breakup. Counselors who are trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you to understand that the way you think following a breakup determines how you act and feel.

By replacing unhelpful thoughts that make you feel hurt with more helpful and rational thoughts can make your breakup much more tolerable.

Determinedly following these steps will help to mend your broken heart. They will help you to stop feeling bitter and unhappy so you can once again live your life and learn to love again.

Marion M. Plessner Rodrigue, M.S. –

# 3. Self care is key
Lisa Bahar

Healing after a relationship breakup takes time and the key is to give yourself that time to feel the more challenging emotions of grief and loss about what happened.

Some ways to overcome a past hurt is to create a support system that will be nurturing and caring of you, this could be friends, group therapy, could be family, etc. 

Explore at your comfort level what you are feeling, sometimes this is with a trusted friend or friends, and sometimes this is a very personal experience, it depends on your comfort level and how you deal with emotions.

Journaling is helpful, some day you may look back and find your entries and learn about where you were and how you were dealing with the hurt. It can be very reflective and healing of the past.

There is a tendency to sometimes numb the pain through excessive partying, engage in substance use, have casual sex with other men, etc. this is understandable and can be part of the rebellion of the feeling of being hurt, on the other hand, if it goes too far, and becomes a daily way to cope, not a good idea.

Learn how to self care 

A massage is helpful and also learn how to be with you and comfort yourself with a multi sensory environment that inspires you to feel good. 

This is a process of creating something pleasing to the eyes, fragrances, fuzzy or soft fabrics, something that tastes good, some music that is neutral and healing, perhaps a “wind down” or “chill out” type of compilation of music.

Create affirmations of “I am healing” “I am beautiful” “I love me.”

Also, funny movies can be very healing and funny to watch, get an engaging one that makes you laugh even when you feel you can’t. 

And, remember, you are a human being learning and healing every day, heartbreak is one of the most challenging experiences, you will get through it and you are okay.

Lisa Bahar, MA, LMFT –

# 4. Follow the 5 tips below

Perhaps you are licking your wounds from yet another disappointing relationship or healing from the end of long courtship.

You still hope for a deep loving connection with someone and a relationship where you feel safe and satisfied. So, how do you get over your past and make sure you are moving on in a healthy way? 

Here are some tips that could help:

1. Be the person you want to be.

Now is a great time to make the changes you have pondered. Attend to that thing that you have been putting off. Grieve when you need to, but not all day long. By working on yourself, you ground yourself in the present, rather than only focusing on hurts in the past.

2. Let go of the assumption that you know everything.

The fact is life takes crazy, unexpected turns all the time, and then weaves in epic moments that we never could have planned for, even if we tried. Trust the ride. You don’t know what is waiting for you out there. Be curious and open about what life has to offer, rather than worrying about what has not worked out.

3. Stop thinking that your ex is the one who got away.

S/he’s not. You can stop torturing yourself with that now. Everyone in our lives is a teacher and relationships are like internships–places where we learn what we want and what we don’t want, and most importantly, who we are.

4. Clean up your side of the street.

Even if your ex is a horrible person by your estimate, do an honest review of the mistakes that you made too. Maybe you struggled to clearly communicate your needs and wants in an assertive way, or got jealous and distrusting.

Whatever you did, seek to understand your behavior and its origins. Do your work to incorporate healthy changes and communication in your next relationship.

5. Stick with your standards.

I often hear women say that they ignored warning signs about a person from the very beginning of the relationship. To start dating someone who has qualities and/or behaviors that are toxic for you is compromising who you are, right from the start. Its all downhill from there. Trust that you do not need to lose yourself or what’s important to you to be in a relationship.

Endings are difficult but they are always the beginning of something else. Ground yourself in healthy coping mechanisms to get through the rough patches and then enjoy the new growth. Possibility is one of the best things life has to offer.

Barbara Young, MA, MFT –

# 5. Follow the 6 steps below

We tend to cling to the past. It is the foundation for now and the future.

However, sometimes that foundation needs to be reworked to release past hurts, betrayals and disappointments.

When hurt, it is easy to build up walls and barriers to keep people from getting too close, from getting hurt again.

Fearing hurt and pain, along with having an expectation that it you will be hurt, betrayed or disappointed again keeps you stuck.

So, what can you do?

1. Grab your journal and retell your relationship story from your perspective, their perspective and the perspective of a report, just the facts. Any new insights?

2. Give yourself permission to feel hurt, betrayed and disappointed. Then give yourself permission to let these feelings go. Thank them for showing up and then let them go. You can also write all the feelings, hurts, betrayals, disappointments down and then burn the paper.

3. Look at why you are struggling to let go of past relationship pains, what is holding on providing for you? Is it keeping you safe? Keeping you from being hurt again? Allowing you to feel something?

4. Ask yourself what you can learn and what you can do differently. Take back your power.

5. Forgive the other person. Holding onto past pains, hurts you, not them. Forgive them for what they have done. You are not accepting what they did only forgiving. Forgive yourself for any guilt you may be holding onto.

6. Love yourself. Give yourself permission to love you. To treat yourself how you want to be treated. When you love yourself it is easier to let past hurts go.

Margaret Bell, MA, NCC –

# 6. Practice the below exercise

Not too long ago, I was at the gym reflecting on some of my past relationships.

I recalled my first heartbreak at 21, and my “starter” marriage three years later. For some inexplicable reason, I suddenly felt a deep sense of appreciation for all of my past relationships, even the ones that were painful, disappointing, or a “failure.”

I realized that each of them had taught me some valuable lessons in life, and made me a better person.

I learned the importance of standing up for myself, respecting the rights of others, setting healthy boundaries, expressing my emotional and physical needs, and being more clear and honest about what I truly want to experience in a relationship.

I took the opportunity to look at the patterns in my relationships, both good and bad, that contributed to my experiences.

I identified some sabotaging behaviors, and choose to embrace each and every mistake. I didn’t blame myself or the other person. I simply said, “thank you.”

Suddenly, a wave of emotions released from me, and all the feelings of sadness, frustration, disappointment, anger, jealousy, insecurity disappeared in one magical moment. In it’s place came gratitude, joy, and a renewed respect for myself.

I believe that one of the most powerful ways of letting go of past relationship pain is to acknowledge the gift it gave you.

How can you know what joy feels like unless you experience sorrow?

How can you know what respect feels like unless you experience disrespect?

Sometimes, a writing exercise can be a great way of releasing the past.

Get a piece of paper. Write a list of the relationships where there is still pain. Write down all the terrible feelings that come up, however pain. Get it out of your system. Take the paper, and then shred it or bun it up-safely.

Go get a second piece of paper, and write down all the lessons that you learned from the relationship. Notice where you have grown.

– How are you different now?
– How has the relationship changed you?
– Is it for the better?

If you find that you are still feeling negative, then see if you can identify the point of pain.

– Do you need to work on your boundaries?
– Do you need to work on your self-acceptance or self-worth?
– Do you need to learn who to trust?

This is your area of improvement, and as you address these areas you will experience greater inner strength.

This healing exercise can prepare you for a better relationship in the future because you will come to it with more clarity, confidence, honesty, and willingness to take chances.

Dr. Shannon Tran –

# 7. Follow the 6 steps below

“Holding on to anger (or hurt) is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one who gets burned.”- Buddha

It is not uncommon for a client to walk in the door years after a divorce or breakup and still be as angry as the day it was finalized. They are waiting for an apology and/or resent that the significant other has gone on with their life while they feel stuck and powerless.

Fear and lack of confidence keep them from exploring the possibility of future love.

“It must be me. I’m flawed and unlovable.” But there are steps that can be taken to help you become unstuck. It is a matter of creating new neuropathways in the brain (new thought loops).

And the exciting news it that the brain can change very quickly with repeated practice and mindfulness.

Step 1: Stop ruminating.

We ruminate because we think it solves problems. But the truth is rumination has never solved a single problem. The past is the past. You can’t go back and do a redo. Rumination fuels the old painful neuropathways.

When you catch yourself ruminating on the past destructive relationship or partner celebrate that you caught yourself and very lovingly tell yourself, “Not now. Not now.” Redirect your focus back to the breath, over and over again, if necessary. This is a training and takes practice and patience.

Step 2: Turn the experience into a teaching.

Everything is impermanent. Every relationship ends either through death or chosen separation. The more we fight this universal truth the more we suffer.

Step 3: Gratitude practice.

Focus on what you do have in your life. Every morning come up with three things you feel grateful for. (Be creative and come up with new gratitudes daily. They can be small or large). Every evening before bed reflect on 3 things from the day you feel grateful for. Gratitude is a guaranteed way to increase happiness.

Step 4: Forgiveness.

We forgive for ourselves. Forgiveness never condones wrongful behavior. We forgive for our own piece of mind. This is where you drop the hot coal and decide it is in your control whether you stop suffering over these past hurts. It is okay to have a preference. I’d prefer I wasn’t mistreated, but I know I am the one who is responsible for my own happiness.

Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen overnight. It is important to have compassion for the struggle to let go of the anger but equally important to keep trying to let go.

Step 5. Wish the ex partner well.

Wish him happiness. This too is a practice. Do this daily. When it becomes heartfelt you will know that you have set yourself free.

Step 6: Begin stepping out and dating.

No expectations other than to have fun and find like minded, kind people. Do it even if you are terrified. The only way out of fear is to walk through it. Give yourself positive feedback as you step out and face your fears. You can do this!

Margie Ahern, M.Ed. –

# 8. Follow the 4 steps below

Breakups and heartbreak are among the worst experiences we have in life. How do you heal from a breakup? How can you move on from heartbreak?

The easiest answer is that time is the most helpful thing on your side. Typically, the more time that has passed, the softer the hurt. While you are waiting for time to heal the wound, however, here are some suggestions so you can learn from the experience and move forward in a positive way.

Step 1: Surround yourself with positive people, do activities you love, and take exceptionally good care of yourself.

Eat, even when you don’t want to. Stop eating, even when all you want is ice cream. Exercise. Sleep. Re-engage in things you enjoy, even if it feels like work at first. Call your friends and ask how their day is going.

Step 2: Take a minute to really understand what was right in the relationship and what was wrong.

After a relationship, we tend to swing between feeling like everything was perfect and you just feel a total loss, or getting angry and only remembering every horrible thing about your lost love. Avoid staying stuck at either extreme, and instead examine the balance of positives and negatives you experienced.

Step 3: Determine any deal breakers that you were overlooking in your last relationship.

You wanted kids and he didn’t; you always loved traveling, while he’s never left the state; you’re tremendously social but your love really could do without others. Make sure you understand the things you were compromising on in the name of love so you don’t overlook them again.

Step 4: Once you have let some time pass, challenge yourself to begin dating again.

Slowly at first, and from a position of curiosity. What do you like? Who are you actually attracted to? Are you attracting the same type of person? Why? Take a bit of a distant view and examine how the dating process is going, instead of diving in and desperately trying to find your perfect mate.

In the meantime, know that I know, personally, just how crummy it is to feel heartbroken. You can make it through this!

Dr. Carrie McCrudden, LMHC –

# 9. Focus on yourself

A break up can be difficult, but there is much we can do to counteract it’s challenges.

It is important to look at the situation logically. Maybe you wanted or needed to break up, or it came from your partner, no matter how delivered, break ups are a readjustment period.

Believe it or not, much of the pain felt after a breakup is caused by a major change in routine.

Most people arrange their lives to fit best or sometimes even around another person’s schedule or routine. Just realizing that a lot of the pain and feelings of being lost are due to a simply a rearrangement of routine.

If you are hoping to mend the relationship and get back together you need to realize this takes both people to focus on improving the relationship. 100%.

Not just one person should be doing all the changing. It’s a new and sometimes scary situation, but no matter what happens….A or B, or C, how you should react , and what you need to focus on during a breakup is basically the same no matter the outcome.

The best way to prepare for what the future brings you, is to just focus on yourself.

Eat right, rest, get exercise, and delve into hobbies and healthy “feel good” things you enjoyed before you met your ex. By focusing on yourself, you are making sure you’ll be in a better place if you stay single or reconnect or meet someone new. It’s a win, win, win, and will help you feel happier sooner a become excited about your future. And remember, you have choices right now.

Go with your inner voice!!

It is also a great time to just focus on yourself. Put yourself on the front burner, and take care of your mind, body and soul. This is a good time to take the cooking or dancing or other class you’ve been wishing you had time to do; or read the books or see the movies you have not had time to do.

There can be a tendency for some to engage in self destructive habits instead of habits that are good for you and help you heal.

This is where many people fail in their transition. Over drinking, over eating, or rushing out to date right away, only offers preoccupation, and often more problems and confusion. This can interfere and can prolong the healing process.

Logically, try to look at it as a change in your life, and create the best plan for yourself to adjust to this change. Think of this as you might with moving, taking a new job, or project, or starting a new goal such as school.

Realizing you have more time in your week to do things you’ve wanted to do for a long time can help you find structure and new purpose to replace the old.

This is a great opportunity disguised as a negative obstacle we call “breaking up”, which could be reframed as moving on with life, and does not always have to be, as the song suggests, “hard to do”.

Susan Ray, MFT –

# 10. Create a ritual

Ah, what beautiful baggage!

A designer trunk, a swivel case from the discount store, a vintage find from the thrift store, and that free suitcase picked up on the side of the road. What treasures to lug from relationship to relationship. The vast pile of baggage alone makes it impossible to move freely.

Being burdened by the past, and choosing to carry the baggage justifies fear, anxiety and distrust.

No need to risk intimacy and vulnerability, because the present baggage you carry proves that intimacy and vulnerability is not safe. However, letting go of the baggage collected over the years will allow you to create an intimate and vulnerable relationship with loved ones.

Rather than carrying numerous pieces of baggage, the path leading to an intimate, trusting, and loving relationship needs only a simple backpack. Letting go of the past is never easy, but it is so rewarding.

So how can the past be let go of?

One way is to create a ritual where each piece of luggage is named and the contents inside are identified.

Then, you can make choices about what goes into the backpack and what is let go of. The ritual can be done by collecting luggage and sorting through it, or by creating a collage of images of luggage and the symbolic contents inside.

Names are added to the bags and the struggles are identify and listed. Often, opening up and looking inside the bags provides you with forgotten gifts.

Naming the bags and the struggles opens up a choice: do you choose to keep this bag and what’s packed inside? Do you get rid of it? Or, do you need help tossing it out?

Sometimes, it seems like such a waste to throw out the beautiful, expensive designer bag; however, opening up the bag and honestly looking at what’s inside allows the truth to be revealed: what is inside is garbage, simply weighing everything down. It’s time to either let it go, or admit you still need this bag.

Taking personal responsibility for your baggage keeps you from blaming others for your issues, and it also allows to others to help.

Carry your own bag! And, when the time is right, let it go! But, remember all you really need is a simple backpack on your travels to a loving, healthy relationship.

Anne Shopp, LMFT, CACII –

# 11. Follow the 4 steps below

The most important thing to remember when your heart gets broken is to be gentle with yourself.

Know that it is going to take time to heal. If your heart was wide open in the relationship, the hole that it leaves will be equally great. But, remember that as you are kind to yourself, and truly tender, that that void will start to heal – no matter how big – day by day, step by step, breath by breath.

And, breath-by-breath is a good place to start.

Especially in the first days and weeks of a breakup, we are so raw. Breaking up is an enormous loss. It is like a little death. To heal, you have to allow yourself to go through the stages of grieving in order to really heal. You need to take little steps at first.

You will see; you will love again. But in the meantime, you can take advantage of this time to do some important healing work on your self. Like learning to love you more. The more you can love yourself, the greater a love you can experience in the future.

It takes time to heal a broken heart. So don’t be in a hurry. Time really does heal all wounds. And it’s worth taking this time.

If there is unfinished emotional business from an old relationship, it can spill over into our next one. So, it’s important to clear our hearts. It’s like cleaning out a closet. You have to take everything out – all the feelings – and see what you really want to keep, and also, what you can let go of.

Say to yourself, “I forgive myself for everything. I forgive everyone for everything.”

This is the mantra I often offer to my students going through changes or loss. It is a powerful affirmation that helps clear your emotional psychic field. 

This phrase will heal the wounds between the two of you. By saying these two sentences you are consciously releasing the relationship in the highest possible way – with love – and then you are both free.

Here are the 4 Steps for Healing the Heart

1. Be kind to yourself. With every breath you take, be gentle and loving to yourself.

Let yourself rest and heal.

2. Be patient. Take your time. Know that this is going to take time.

3. Understand what happened. And learn from it. Write down your feelings.

Talk about your feelings.

4. Forgive yourself. Forgive them too. This is how you will truly heal.

Healing your heart is a process. It is not s a single act, but a matter of healing, over time, in the spirit of love, understanding and forgiveness.

Finally, know that you will love and be loved again.

I promise.

Diana Lang, Counselor and Author of Opening to Meditation –

# 12. Begin to work in self-care activities you love

I’ve heard that the length of a relationship determines how long a person will spend grieving the loss of that relationship.

I for one, don’t think it’s the length of a relationship, but how deeply committed to the relationship you became, how strongly you grew connected to this other person.

Creating and nurturing strong connections with others is hardwired into female biology, we need it, right down to our core.

So it’s normal and understandable that many of us experience feelings for an ex that linger longer than are healthy. Post breakup involves a lot of time in transition and transitions are hard.

The first step to getting over past relationship hurts is to acknowledge and accept that healing will take time.

There is a reason periods of transition and change, like a breakup, ignite unpleasant feelings like anxiety and depression.

A breakup happens, now what?

Breakups leave us sitting with a level of uncertainty, wondering what if, anticipating what may or may not come next. This stage needs time, and time alone.

The best thing to do is allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship

Everyone grieves differently, so finding ways to help take care of yourself during this rocky transition is key. Give yourself permission to be angry, to be sad to reminisce, etc.

Begin to work in self-care activities that you love.

It’s easy when a relationship ends to begin to question why a previous relationship failed, and in turn get into negative, black and white thinking patterns about yourself; ie. I’ll never have a relationship that lasts, this always happens to me, I’ll never find anyone else.

Know that while these thoughts are pretty common in the midst of a breakup, most often they are based on the emotions you are feeling at the time and not based on facts. Just because you have the thought, this always happens to me, does not mean that it is a fact.

The best way to combat these thoughts is to put them up against their mortal enemy…positive thoughts!

Write love notes to yourself on your bathroom mirror, buy a special brand of coffee that you enjoy, spend time with friends or family that support you and truly encourage your fantasticness (hmmm, I like that word. Copy right, Elizabeth Carr) to shine through.

Finally, it’s smart to cut commination with your ex, at least for a while.

You need time away from this person to heal and having continued connection with them will only make this process harder. This means, no texting, no social media connections, no Googling.

Nothing positive can come out of surfing their Instagram page. Not communicating can be difficult if you’re co-workers or have children together. In these cases, limiting contact to only necessary communication, especially right after a breakup is a nonnegotiable must.

Elizabeth H. Carr, LPC, NCC –

# 13. Be mindful of your thoughts

Breakups are challenging; a relationship that ends is a disappointment and takes us into the land of lost dreams.

The good news is that you will heal and come through the experience wiser and more resilient.

There is a process of healing which involves paying attention to what it is we are telling ourselves about the breakup.

Thoughts arise based on the pain we have undergone. The good news is our thoughts are not based in reality and need to be challenged as to the likelihood of their being true.

If you are aware of thoughts such as “it was my fault,” “I am not good at relationships,” “I am not enough,” I will never have a loving relationship,” the first thing to realize is these are “just thoughts.”

Ask yourself if you would be willing to bet your BFF’s life that these thoughts are true. Challenge the truth of each thought from your higher wisdom.

Then ask yourself what feelings are accompanying these thoughts.

Rather than running from your emotions and engaging in distractions or addictions, sit with whatever is coming up. Most often, feelings of hopelessness, sorrow, fear and self judgment are results of your negative thoughts. In your imagination, go to a place that is calm and beautiful.

Surround yourself with everyone who loves you and who you love.

Then take some time to feel each feeling. You can name the feeling, give it a color, and notice where you are holding the feeling in your body. These emotions will dissipate if you are willing to sit with each of them. You may have to repeat this process several times. Have great compassion for yourself; you are moving though grief into healing.

Imagine yourself five years down the road and think about how you want your life to look.

Write about what you see happening, the joy you will feel and the gratitude you are experiencing for how things turned out. In your body, notice where you are feeling this sense of fulfillment and peace. Each day when you awaken and before you go to sleep think about three things for which you are grateful.

Surround yourself with everyone who loves you.

Visualize yourself in a loving and committed relationship starting with the relationship you have with yourself.

Practice abiding in the Peace of the moment. Mark Nepo reminds us that “each one of us is born with an unencumbered spot of Grace, free of fear and worry.” This spot is our connection to the Divine which exists in us all.

Spend some time resting in this Divine Presence. Breathe deeply and dwell in possibility of a future that is loving and full of joy.

Sandy Roos, MFT, MA –

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