September 19, 2018

Does He Need Space or Is it Over? – 3 Must-Know Insights on How To Find Out If He Just Needs More Space or Wants To End the Relationship

# 1. True intimacy is built through sustained emotional vulnerability

As women, we are taught from a young age to intuit others’ needs, wants, and desires.

As such we are often reading between the lines and do not expect others to discuss these things openly with us. The same is not true for men who are often taught a much different script.

While they may at times attempt to avoid hurting our feelings or as with many others, attempt to avoid conflict, they are most often going to tell us like it is.

If he says he needs space then that is exactly what he means.

If you are afraid you are being too clingy ask yourself why you are questioning this. Most of the time if we are asking the question then we probably already know the answer.

Maybe your needs are not being met within the relationship and you should practice being vulnerable in order to have them met (“I feel like you are distant lately, I need to feel more connected to you, do you have some time where we can talk?”).

True intimacy is built through sustained emotional vulnerability.

Many of us are afraid to ask for what we need within the relationship but it is essential to having a long -lasting fulfilling relationship.

Because men are often direct and blunt if you are unsure of where the relationship is going and need to know, you can ask him, just be prepared for the answer.

Remember that a relationship always takes two people and if you are questioning where you stand within it, perhaps it isn’t giving you what you need anyhow.

There are always exceptions to any rule so hypothetically, if you are someone who may be insecure due to youth or past hurt you may ask him for the status of your relationship too frequently which may cause him to back off or think things are moving too quickly. 

If this is you – be careful to accept reassurance when you receive it and reflect upon yourself and what it is you are lacking that you are seeking to receive from him.

External validation and control are not sustainable and will never fill an unspoken void. Pay attention to your inner dialogue and as always be kind to you and others will follow suit.

Kate Kelly, MSW, LCSW –

# 2. The best advice to give is use effective communication and ask what is wrong?

Most of us have happy, loving and fulfilling relationships.  

We have found men who worship us as queens, putting our needs first before anything else.

There is nothing better than that transformation in your relationship where you feel heaven is smiling down on you.

Pretty soon you start planning your future- wedding, kids that white picket fence until the brakes get pumped!  The man who you thought would never hurt you may be showing signs that that he is less involved than ever.  

Some of these tell-tale signs are being less available, hanging out with the guys more often than before, and not responding to text or phone calls.

This sends most women into panic mode!

We MUST know what is going on.  We drive ourselves crazy with all of those irrational thoughts I call the “what if’s”.  “What if he is cheating on me, what If he found another girl, what if he never responds?” 

The best advice to give is use effective communication and ask what is wrong?  

Why the sudden change?  Are you not as in to me as I am you? If he doesn’t respond or takes days to respond you know it is time to move on.

Don’t let yourself dwell on that and become a puddle to his lack of sensitivity in giving you a respectful response.   

However, some men have issues with regulating their emotions and don’t know how to communicate they just need some space.  

Facilitating this will give him the platform to say I am in or I am out.  You can also read his body language, listen to his voice, and review his thought processes to determine if he is truly invested into you or he checked out a long time ago.

Allow him time to determine what it is he wants.  

Most often men get scared and don’t know how to respond to their own love language.  They get confused when the pace of the relationship charges at 90mph instead of 40mph. It takes them out of their comfort zone and freaks them out—literally!

Help your man to determine that he just needs some space and the relationship isn’t ending.

He may be the type that needs it step-by-step in order to process it.

You may find yourself on the other end of this where your man may become patronizing, critical and judgmental towards you.  

Ladies- this turns into gas lighting!

Do not stay.  It is over because YOU deserve better!  If it isn’t this harsh he may just be looking for you to end it, because really, he is too lazy to do it himself.  

Adios guys-the relationship is over and he just doesn’t have the capacity to break it off himself.

Danelle Hollenbeck, M.S., LMHC –

# 3. Take a look inside to see what YOU really want and need from your partner, and also what you're willing to provide

Dating is a remarkable opportunity to practice your communication skills.

The very skills you’ll need in spades when you’re in that Keeper Relationship you’re striving to create for yourself. Early on in the dating process, it’s a really good idea to have open-hearted conversations about your needs and his needs, including the amount of time and the nature of the time you spend together.

If one of you has Quality Time as an important love language, but the other doesn’t, well…. talk about it and see if you can come up with a compromise that serves you both.

If you’re not getting “enough” time with your guy, if he seems to be pulling back or not initiating, before tossing in the towel, talk about things.

There are plenty of couples out there living great lives together, yet it’s SHE who’s the planner.

A great relationship is balanced, with each person contributing natural strengths, talents, skills and inclinations while the other receives these benefits.

Each relationship provides an opportunity for both people to have their needs met, some of these needs being within the partnership and some being “outside” the relationship, with alone time, separate time, family, fitness activities or work time.

Take a look inside to see what YOU really want and need from your partner, and also what you’re willing to provide

What are YOU willing to do with and for your partner that might be out of your norm or that might be offered as an act of generosity?

Ask what HIS ideal relationship looks like, in terms of time spent together, and see if he’s open to hearing about what YOUR vision is for a happy, healthy relationship. 

It could be that you two make some adjustments and stay together, or it could be that you’ll determine together that it’s not a real fit.

Either way, it would be good to  know, yes? 

Julie Ferman, B.A. –

Exposed: What Men Secretly Want But Will Never Tell You...